


Something Wicked This Way Comes

by spacecakesandmilkshakes



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Growing Up, I Don't Even Know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:08:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24167116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacecakesandmilkshakes/pseuds/spacecakesandmilkshakes
Summary: Halloween.As a kid I'd look forward to getting dressed up and pigging out on candy. This year I'm looking forward to getting dressed up and, as my friend Rosalie so charmingly puts it,"finally fuck Edward Cullen right out of my system.”
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26





	1. My Life As I Knew It

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo. This is a little something I started and never finished way wayyy back in 2010 (omfg) on FF but has always been sitting in the back of my mind mostly quiet but occasionally giving a kick to try to get my attention. Since the world is currently in a holding pattern and with Midnight Sun resurrecting from the dead I thought I’d give it a whirl. Please forgive the dated references that I’m much too lazy to reimagine bc TEN YEARS AGO. xoxo

Halloween. 

When you're a little kid it's the day of the year that you look forward to for dressing up so no one knows who you are and eating so much candy you almost puke. For me, this year, it's the day that I'm looking forward to for dressing up so no one knows who I am and, as my friend Rosalie so charmingly puts it "finally fuck Edward Cullen right out of my system." 

Edward Cullen. Even his name sounds sexy right? I don't remember a time when I didn't know it. 

Trust me, his name suits him. 6 feet 2 inches of pure male perfection, bronze hair that always looks like he just got out of bed after a few hours of sex, green eyes, lips that just beg to be kissed, full and red. So unfair. 

He's my best friend Alice's brother but she's always been cool with my obsession-even helping Rosalie's plan along without being too weirded out. She used to joke that one day she'd be my sister in law but she hasn't said that in a while. By now she can see that I don't really fit in with Edward's endless parade of bleached blonde Barbies.

How cliché is that? To fall in love with your best friend's older brother when he considers you to be like another little sister? Pathetic, I know. It's been that way since I was 9 and he was 11 and he beat up a kid who pushed me on the playground. The look on his face when he helped me up and kissed my knee before ruffling my hair stole my heart and it's been his ever since. 

It's not like I haven't tried to get him out of my head many times before. I have. Honestly. I've dated quite a few guys, one or two fairly serious, but inevitably they can't compare and it ends. Usually badly. Men generally like to hear their girlfriends scream their names when they come believe it or not. Oh well. Why settle for a cheap imitation anyway, right?

I remember every single time he's touched me since that first kiss on my 9 year old knee. All the times he tackled me playing football on the Cullen's lawn, dunked me in their swimming pool, slung his arm casually over my shoulder as he pushed between me and Alice asking what his two favorite little sisters were up to, his soft sexy voice making my bony knees weak, all the times he tickled me, ruffled my hair, swatted my ass playfully. Each one is tattooed permanently on my heart ready to be recalled in perfect detail any time I feel like reliving them. 

I told you I was pathetic didn't I? 

Oh my GOD, Alice and I would bug the crap out of his girlfriends in high school, being the quintessential annoying little sisters. Edward would act pissed but then that one side of his mouth would twitch and I would know that we were forgiven, just like that. 

Sometimes we'd sneak up to his room when he had a girl over "studying" and spy on them making out. My heart would break every time but that never stopped me from doing it again and again. Just to see his face-eyes closed, cheeks flushed, lips blood red and swollen as they moved against some blonde bimbo's –it made the heartache worth it. 

The last time I spied on him was by myself. I was 15 and I thought he had a girl over-call it a feeling-I just knew something sexual was going on somewhere in that house. By that time Alice had lost interest in his activities having picked up some of her own instead. I snuck to his door, listening to the soft moans coming from behind it, quaking in my old Chucks. I almost walked away, not wanting to and yet dying to see what he was doing. His whispered " _fuck_ " is what did me in….that and I could have _sworn_ I heard my name-barely a whisper. I _had_ to see what was going on. 

I pushed the door open the teensiest of cracks and peeked in seeing what would totally ruin any chance for me of being happy with anyone else. EVER. 

Edward was lying on his bed, the same one I had hidden under many times in the hundreds of games of hide and seek we had played over the years. His jeans were pushed down a bit and he was fisting what I will tell you right now is the most beautiful freaking penis God ever created. I can still picture it perfectly-and not just because I think about it 1000 times a day either. Huge and thick and saluting me proudly as I pressed against the wall, my jaw on the floor and drool probably puddling out all over Esme's expensive carpeting. 

Seriously. That thing should have it's own Pay Per View special or some shit, he'd make millions. There should be shrines built and pilgrimages made to worship it. I'd build one myself and stop in every morning to burn some incense and say a little prayer that one day we would meet personally. 

Anyway, Edward's head was thrown back, his eyes closed and he was moaning and mumbling incoherently as his hand did it own type of worshiping, faster and faster. His constant stream of " _fucks_ " and " _gods_ " were doing strange things to me as I trembled. Transfixed. 

“ _Bella_."

I gasped, jumping and banging my elbow loudly on the wall. FUCK. 

Did I forget to tell you that I am without a doubt the world's biggest klutz? Sad but true. Ask anyone. 

His head shot up and his eyes locked with mine-well with one of mine, the one peeking through the crack in the door-as he came, hard, and the intensity of the moment sent me backing away so quickly that I fell, ass over tea kettle before scuttling away like a crab down the hallway and stairs praying he wouldn't come charging out and catch me. Quite the Kodak moment. 

I ran into him late that night in the kitchen, both of us foraging for the last of the Chunky Monkey. The zero weirdness between us made me think I had maybe imagined him moaning my name as he jerked off but the look he gave me as he fed me the last creamy bite from his spoon told me that I definitely hadn't. 

But that was it. Six long years ago. 

  
Six years of looking for some kind of sign that he was interested in me in more than a sisterly way. 

Six years of watching blonde after blonde walk in and out of his door...and his bed. 

Six years of openly and obsessively moaning to my friends about him ad nauseum. 

And after six years they've had it. 

Rosalie's text this morning said it all. Intervention tonight. 8. McCloones. You're getting over Edward fucking Cullen. 


	2. Intervention

So that's how I got here. Sitting at a table in a bar with my two best friends as they sneakily plot how to exorcise my own personal demon; they're actually planning on driving my beautiful demonic angel out of my heart and my head via my vagina.

Wait. What?

"This is ridiculous. I do NOT have a problem." I down my Appletini secretly thinking the green is quite close to the lovely shade of Edward's eyes.

"Spoken like a true addict," Rosalie says all know-it-all-y as she raises her eyebrows at Alice.

"Really Bella, we just want to help you move on. It's been a long time since you've even hooked up with anyone." Alice is definitely playing the good cop in their little routine but I'm not falling for it.

"That's so untrue!" I shout, incensed. "The re was that guy … .umm … .Jacob! Yeah, Jacob that we met at the beach over the summer! WE hooked up!" I give them the waggly eyebrows but they both just stare back at me smiling serenely.

"Honey, you went on one date with him and never returned his calls beca use you claim he smelled like a wet dog." Fucking Alice and her perfect memory. Oh  _ God _ , Edward smells good. Did I tell you that? He smells like marshmallows and sunshine and sex.

"And there was James before him! That wasn't that long ago..." The waitress  brings another round and I drink half of mine immediately, needing the liquid courage to stand strong against the combined forces of Oprah and Dr. Phil.

"And you said he was a perv because you found a video camera in his closet. Sitting on a shelf. Turned off." Note to self. Never tell Alice anything ever again.

"It was weird! There was something strange about him-even you said that Rose-admit it!" Ha! I have her now.

"I just said it was weird that he always wanted to take his shirt off-not that I minded , he was pretty hot. Not weird in a pervy way." She rolls her eyes then glances at Alice as I gulp the rest of my drink, bracing myself.

"Bella, you just think of ways to push men away from you because you're waiting around for EDWARD. You know it, I know it, Alice knows it, hell, Edward probably even knows it and it's time to Get. Over. Him." Wow. That's pretty harsh. Thank God my head is buzzing nicely or I'd probably be bawling right about now.

"What Rose is trying to say," Miss Goody Two Shoes Cop con tinues "is that we're worried about you. I know you love, or think you love my brother but it's been a long time and maybe it's time to accept that if nothing has happened yet … .maybe nothing is going to." She's looking at me nervously like I'm either going to cry or throw a drink at them and honestly I'm kind of torn between the two myself.

Dammit. Crying wins. I hate crying.

Immediately their arms are around me and Rosalie is saying over the top of my head "This is good, it's a breakthrough." like I'm so me kind of mental patient instead of just being hopelessly in love with possibly the most perfect person on the planet.

"But I lo..ove him!" I sob, completely horrified that this is happening in the middle of a crowded bar but then someone "Woo!"s and Ros alie tells the Wooer to fuck off and I realize that most of the patrons are so interested in three cute girls hugging that I could be puking out that green crap from that movie Edward adores with my head spinning around and it wouldn't have mattered.

"Shhhh … ..it's ok, it's going to be ok." Alice is petting my hair as I cry myself out thinking that maybe they're right. Edward will never look at me as anything more than a little sister and I need to accept it. I'll accept it and move on with my life. Her e I go, accepting it.

I can't accept it.

I cry harder into my napkin and I hear them murmuring over my head probably either wishing that they had done this somewhere more private or deciding which one of them is going to slap me out of my hysterics.

I t ake gulping breaths of air and soon my tears calm to just hiccups and the girls slowly let me go.

"Are you ok?" Alice looks at me with such concern and her green eyes remind me so much of Edward that I feel the tears pushing up, demanding to be freed but  I fight them back and nod.

I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, making them both stay at the table and keep their pitying looks with them. I sit there biting my short nails wishing I had never come out tonight, that I was home watching tv, eating Chunky Monkey with all my little Edward related delusions intact and not in danger of being dragged out kicking and screaming into the harsh light of the real world. Ugh. Sometimes the real world sucks. Like RIGHT NOW.

Finally I feel calm enough to face them ag ain. I reapply my makeup noticing with relief that the only traces of my crying fit are swollen lips and shiny eyes. I attempt fixing my Alice-petted and hysteric-ruffled hair and make a mental note to get a trim sometime soon since it's almost to my waist . I know why I rarely cut it but I'd rather pull a Britney then ever tell Alice or Rose the reason.

Once Edward told me that he loved my long hair.

I had been maybe 12 or 13 and swinging on their old swing set watching Edward kick a soccer ball around wh ile I waited for Alice. I had just gotten going-you know when you swing up so high you fall down a little bit before swooping back? I looked at Edward on one of my upswings and he was staring at me with the strangest look on his face. Before I knew it his  warm hands were on my back pushing me higher as I shrieked and laughed at him to stop.

Eventually he gave in, dragging at the chains to slow my swinging before finally stopping me completely. The next thing to stop was my heart when his hands moved from t he swing to my hair. He ran his fingers through it to where it ended at my trembling waist before saying softly "I love your hair Bella. Never cut it."

Told you. Every memory is stored away, perfectly and permanently.

I love you Edward.

I fluff out my l ittle skirt before straightening my shoulders and marching back to the table ready to battle these two mini-titans for control of Edward's hold over me.

Oh Jesus. Rosalie has her notebook out and what looks like a long list already written. I need a pre-b attle drink.

I stop at the bar and order a shot of tequila, shivering at the taste before biting into a sugary wedge of lemon.

Instant warmth all the way to my toes and my nice buzzy-buzzyness is back. I'm ready. Don't worry my delusional little heart, y ou'll be ok. I'll protect you.

I clack back to the table in my strappy shoes. I'm glad I wore heels tonight, I feel taller, tougher. I swear to God I am taking Rosalie down if she says one more time that I need to forget about Edward. The Wooer should lik e that. First girl on girl hugging and then a cat fight. I should charge him.

"Bella, we think you need to have sex … ..with Edward."

I love you Rosalie. You're the smartest most bestest friend ever.

Wait. What?

I stand there gaping at her until she yank s me down into my seat in exasperation.

"You're going to have sex with Edward next week." Now she's speaking slowly, enunciating each word like I'm mentally incompetent.

"I am?" I was?

"Here's the plan. We have it all worked out." She turns her notebook towards me but I can only see three words.

_Bella_. _Edward_. _Sex_.

Jesus Christ on a cracker.

"He's not going to know it's you, you're going to fuck him and get him out of your system and everybody wins!" Rosalie throws up her hands and I want to kiss her. Hey Wooer. That'll be 20 bucks.

Before I can get my mind around the idea that somehow, someway Edward's perfect penis and the rest of him will be paying me an intimate visit sometime soon, the waitress brings a tray of shots. Tequila. Mmm. With sugary le mons-my favorite.

"Here you are ladies, three gentlemen at the bar wanted these sent over. Lucky girls." She winks and we all turn to look.

The crowd is pretty heavy but then I see that ass leaning against a stool and my heart starts pounding. I'd know it anywhere. My eyes wander up to his broad shoulders and then to that messy hair sticking out in all directions that just screams "Fuck me!"

Then he turns, and he's already smiling that lopsided grin I adore as his green eyes lock onto mine.  
  
  



	3. Lap Dance

Fuck. Me.

No, really Edward. Fuck me. Please?

How is it possible that in the two months since I've last seen him he's gotten  exponentially more beautiful? How? HOW?

Wait. I know how. He doesn't look like a beautiful _boy_ anymore . In the last few months he's not only moved into his own place and started teaching high school English but has also become a man.

A gorgeous, God-like, panty-dropping, dazzlingly delicious, sugar-coated candy man.

Isn't that a song? If not, it should be. Ode To Edward.

His smile widens as we stare at each other and I feel a completely goofy grin spread across my face. I can't help it. That's what he does to me. Sends me sliding headfirst into home plate in the World Series of Dorks every time.

I look at the girls and they're as frozen as I am and suddenly I realize that Edward has two friends with him and they're all coming over to  our table. Holy crap. Thank you God! You know I was just kidding about the penis shrine, right? Kind of.

We stare at each other in shock and at the same instant all look down at Rosalie's notebook lying proudly open on the table and just NOW I notice the  title in caps and underlined at the top:  OPERATION FUCK AND FORGET . Oh my fucking God, are you serious Rose? Oops. Sorry God.

Poor Esme. I have the worst mouth. She's always tried her best to be a positive female role model for me since I only have Charlie but I'm just a hopeless case. She would always looks so scandalized when she overheard me cursing and on one memorable occasion-I was probably 17-even trying to enlist Edward's support in getting me to speak in a more ladylike manner.

If she only knew that I had actually learned most of my impressive repertoire at the feet of the master himself. I tell you, Edward is like a sensei of swearing, the Pai Mei of profanity, and I absofuckinglutely love it. Fuck on, fuck off, Grasshopper.

"Edward will you please tell the girls (meaning me although she looped Alice in too) that boys don't like it when they use such foul language?" Edward looked up from reading for a minute then flashed that knowing smirk of his. "Yeah, Bella, listen to Esme. Most guys don't like such a dirty mouth." He was being SUCH a hypocritical kiss ass I gave him the filthiest look I could manage but when he walked past me and casually whispered in my ear " _ I _ think it's fucking sexy as hell but that's just me." before swatting my ass with his book I was immediately a melted puddle of goo in my little cotton undies.

Oh Edward. I would whisper bad, dirty things in your ear 24/7 if you wanted me to.

We all lunge for the notebook at once in a complete panic.

"Put it away! Put it away!" I hiss  as Rosalie wildly tries to close the cover so at least  OPERATION FUCK AND FORGET is hidden.

"I don't have anywhere to put it!" she hisses right back. We all have tiny purses with us not foreseeing the need to  hide a giant ridiculous notebook. Geez. Couldn't  OPERATION FUCK AND FORGET be kept just as easily on her damn iPhone?

Finally in complete desperation I grab it and sit on it, fluffing my short skirt out to cover the edges. If I get a paper cut I'm going to be so pissed because that would  _ hurt _ . Excep t maybe Edward would kiss it and make it better just like he did to my knee all those years ago. Unhhhhh. GOD. Just the thought of Edward's lips and my … .lips in the same vicinity sends me into complete hormonal overdrive and it's suddenly really hot in here isn't it?

I look up and Edward is almost at our table and looks amused having I'm sure just witnessed our flailing around but doesn't mention it, just raises his eyebrows, the corner of his mouth turned up.

God I love his eyebrows. They're thick and full but come down to these perfect little  points at the outer corners and his left one has a little beauty mark right at the end of it like the dot on an exclamation point. Like, Eyebrow! So sweet.

He reaches us and immediately ruffles Alice's artfully arranged spiky hair making her screech and shove at him. "Hey sis. Rose." He grins at her and then his eyes are back on mine. "Bella."

I swear I almost spontaneously orgasm at the sound of him saying my name after 8 long weeks. Seriously, even his voice is like chocolate covered sex. With sprinkles. I'm at  least  suddenly feeling really damp in the panty area. And on Rose's notebook too like I'm putting some kind of personal … really personal, stamp of approval on their insane plan.

"Jasper, Emmett, this is my little sister Alice, Rosalie and my oth-" he pauses, staring at me... "Bella." he finishes and I'm shocked. He didn't call me his other little sister! He ALWAYS introduces me as his "other little sister Bella" not "my oth-...Bella". Ooooh. Take out the awkward oth- and it would be "my Bella. I would pay him to call me "My Bella." Just once.

We all say our nicetomeetyoublahblahblahs and the boys try to find chairs to join us. Edwards's friends are  _hot_ ,  and I see something going on right away between Jasper and Alice as he steals a hard to find free chair from a neighboring table and squeezes in next to her. He's blonde, lean and has that rocker thing going on that she loves so much in faded jeans and a t-shirt.

Emmett comes barreling back next with a chair held high over his head and Jesus he is HUGE. Rosalie doesn't seem to mind when he plops his chair next to hers, grinning and I don't blame her-those dimples are adorable...now where is my gorgeous boy?

"Scooch." There he is, right in my ear and nudging my ass over with his, wanting to share my seat.

Now normally I would love this beyond words but not when I'm trying to conceal something under my skirt. Why do I have a feeling he knows this and it's exactly the reason he's not  looking all too hard for a chair of his own?

"No! Get your own seat Edward!" I try to hold on to that goddamn notebook as he pushes gently but persistently but I feel it slowly sliding out from under me. FUCK.

"There aren't any and you have plenty of room." He gives my hip one last push and I'm sure he's now at least half sitting on the book himself and damn well knows it. He grins at me wickedly but with his thigh and body now pressed so closely against mine I'm quickly forgetting why I didn't want him there in the first place. I look to the girls for help and they're both staring at us with identical expressions of half-horror, half-amusement on their faces. I'm so glad that they're entertained by the fucking predicament they've gotten me into.

They are so dead when I get my hands on them.

"SO" Alice says loudly, breaking away from my glare, "this is a coincidence! We come here all the time and we've never seen you guys here before."

"I've never been but we're meeting some friends from school and they  recommended it-seems like a cool place." Jasper says, staring at her like she's the only girl in the entire bar. Meeting friends from school? Friends as in women? Blonde women? Christ, not again.

"So you all work together?" Shut up Rose! I need to find out who these "friends" they are meeting are. GOD.

It turns out Emmett is the football coach, Jasper teaches art, and Edward, of course, English.

OK. Now one of my ass cheeks is totally off the chair with the other one following not that far behind.

"Edward stop. God you're such a seat hog!"

"Like you haven't told me that a million times before." he says happily as I try in vain to push him back to his side.

I have. Alice and I each have our own spots on separate sofas when we watch movies at her house.  It would never fail. Edward would come in and plop on MY couch at the opposite end from me. He would sit at first but before long, lay down, stretching his long legs out. After a few minutes I'd feel his toes start worming under me trying to uproot me from my comfy spot and no matter how much I complained or beat at him or tickled his feet he would always win. I would wind up slithering to the floor while he stretched out, completely comfortable.

Like right now.

With one last bump I am COMPLETELY off the  seat AND notebook but before I can slither embarrassingly to the floor Edward grabs me by the waist and plops me right onto his lap. Holy SHIT. I am never leaving. He's going to have to have Emmett pry me off and even then I'll be following him attached to his leg like one of those annoying little dogs that hump everything in sight.

"I told you there was plenty of room." He grins, absolutely not affected by my presence on his lap. At all. Damn him.

I turn my head and even though Alice and Rosalie  seem  very into their respective conversations I know that they're both acutely aware of what I'm going through and when Rosalie suddenly says "Does anyone want to dance?" and Alice hops right up, I'm not surprised and very thrilled. Some private lap time with Edward. NICE.

They really are the bestest friends ever, even when I want to murder them.

Emmett and Jasper both get up eagerly but I decline, as does Edward claiming he's pretty comfortable right where he is just like I knew he would. He would always keep me company when I would opt to sit out of anything that required coordination although he's as graceful as a cat.

I consider moving to one of the four empty chairs for about a split second but since he seems not to mind I don't.

"So no dancing?" He says when we're alone.

"I just didn't feel like it but I  _ do _ dance now. Sometimes." I do! Since the girls and I started going out every weekend I've HAD to learn to at least pretend to dance. Of course it's always very close to Alice and Rose just in case I trip  but he doesn't need to know that part.

"Yeah, right. If that's true, then let's go." He makes a face and smirks and how dare he not believe me! He still treats me like a spazzy little kid and now I'm pissed. Baby Bella needs to GTFO and sexy Bella needs to come out to play. Paging sexy Bella. Hello? Anyone? Bueller? Can someone tell the crickets to shut the hell up? Argh. WAIT. I have an idea.

"I didn't say what kind of dancing..." I try to make my meaning clear by wiggling a little on his thighs and watch with giddy satisfaction as his eyes widen in understanding and his lips part in shock.

HA! Score: Edward: 1,478,632 Bella: 1. Go me!

His eyes start wandering from mine, down to my mouth and then farther before he tears them away, running his hands through his hair and moving his head back and forth so his neck cracks a little. Both movements are as familiar to me as if they were my own and I can't help but smile. I absolutely CANNOT believe that he doesn't see the pure adoration that I feel is written all over my face. It's oozing from every pore-can he possibly be THAT blind? He looks back at me and exhales loudly before smiling a little in return.

"Jesus, Bella. When did you grow up? You were killing every guy at the bar with that little lemon trick you know."

What? I was? Lemon trick? What the hell is he talking about?

"What lemon trick?" I frown, totally confused.

He gives me a look of disbelief before reaching around me and taking two shots and two yummy lemons from the tray and handing me one of each.

He clinks his glass to mine, staring at me. "To growing up."

I stare right back, eyes innocent. "I'll fucking drink to that." I squee inwardly as his eyes widen again and he bites his lip before drinking. For those of you playing along at home, that's two in a row for me! Am total vixen! Yay!

I shiver all over at the taste and then deliciously shiver again sucking on the sweet, tart, sugary lemon. I close my eyes in ecstasy. Damn that is sooo good.

I give my lemon one more lick and open my eyes to Edward's very close startlingly green ones. He takes both lemon and glass from me and reaches both arms around my body to put them on the table. " _ Tha t _ little lemon trick." he says very close to my ear and tingly heat that has nothing to do with alcohol races through me like wildfire, making my toes numb. He pulls back swallowing hard before looking across the bar at the dancers.

I turn and follow his  gaze and see Alice looking very chummy with Jasper just as I suspected. I can't see Rosalie, she must be hidden by Emmett who, by the way, has one fine ass. Not as nice as Edward's of course but yummy none the less. Good God. These men are TEACHERS?

What  the hell is going on in our public school system that ONE tiny high school can have three young, hot male teachers? I wasn't in high school THAT long ago and all of the men were old with long nose hairs and pilly sweater vests. Why couldn't I have had Edward teach  me English? Of course I would have spent the whole time lost in pornographic daydreams and not learned anything but my attendance would have been perfect.

Now all I can think about is leaning over a desk in knee socks and a short plaid skirt while Edward in horn rimmed glasses gives my bare ass a nice hard whack with a ruler. GUH. Thank you Mr. Cullen, may I have another? If I ever get a chance to be with Edward we are SO doing that. At least once a week.

I look at Edward, feeling my traitor cheeks flushing hotly, and he's staring at me with that little smile playing at the corner of his mouth. He looks relaxed again and I suddenly don't want to play stupid games with him anymore. I just want him. Period.

"What are you thinking about?" His voice  and eyes are so soft and warm that the truth almost spills out before I can stop it but I bite my lip just in time and it grudgingly retreats.

"Um. Rulers. I was thinking about rulers." Well I'm not really lying am I?

"Rulers." He raises an eyebrow.

"Ye p. Like how Prince William was once so handsome but now he kind of looks like a horse but Prince Harry has embraced his red-headed hotness completely except now apparently he's bailing on the monarchy and becoming Canadian which technically removes him from the ruler category completely.”

Edward stares at me wordlessly before tossing his head back, laughing and I have to restrain myself from lunging at his throat and latching onto it like a leech.

"God, I've missed you. I never know what's going on in that head of yours … ..and I'm  _ usually _ pretty good at figuring people out." He shakes his head at me. "You always keep me guessing."

"If I remember correctly, you're usually pretty good at pretty much everything." I tease.

He rolls his eyes but doesn't disagree because it's the truth.

"So, red-headed hotness hmmm?" He stretches back slinging his arms loosely over the back of the chair still grinning at me.

"Well, maybe I'm biased. I've always had a thing for redheads." I let my eyes wander to his copper hair, only allowing my PG-13 and below fantasies to run through my head since I'm already uncomfortably warm and damp to the point of being obvious especially since I'm sitting on his LAP for God's sake.

I imagine running my fingers through it first thing in the morning while he's sleeping. Snuggling behind him in the bathtub with my legs wrapped around him, shampooing it and making it into a bubbly mohawk, devil horns, a unicorn. Sitting on the counter in the bathroom helping him fix it before going out even though I know he doesn't really spend any time on it. It's naturally perfect. Just like every inch of him inside and out.

"Really. Why didn't I ever know about this preference?" Edward sits up and his face is quite close to mine again-so close that it would be really easy to kiss him if I wanted to.

Oh my God I want to kiss him so badly. But I'm too much of a chicken shit and have had way too little to drink for that advanced level of embarrassing myself so I don't.

"You must have been preoccupied with  _ your _ thing for blondes." There. I said it.

This conversation is starting to get so loaded I feel like it should have subtitles.

"You think I have a thing for blondes?" Now he's staring at my decidedly unblonde hair and then I feel him playing with it, winding the ends in his fingers and I can barely breathe.

"Um … .the fact that the only gir ls I've ever seen you with have been blonde kind of tipped me off." I try for light and fail miserably.

"Well maybe I just never realized what I was missing." he says softly.

My heart leaps at that and starts skipping about throwing rose petals which immediately flutter around inside of my stomach, not helping my breathing problem whatsoever.

He looks up at me, his eyes landing solidly on my mouth. "Um...Bella. You have a little sugar right here." He reaches a finger towards my lip and then hesitates and points to his own instead to show me where it is.

Now Baby Bella would have made a joke and scrubbed at her mouth with her hand but Vixen Bella (aka Buzzed Bella) runs her tongue along her lip slowly before saying "Anywhere else?"

Oh my God. By the look on his face that shit worked like a charm and I am getting so fucking turned on I'm sure he's going to have the evidence of it on his jeans. Sorry. Gross but true so I squirm a bit to try and air dry before this gets any more out of hand. That's the problem. It needs to get more IN hand...or mouth...or...somewhere...UGH.

Obviously Edward agrees wholeheartedly because suddenly I feel a little nudger nudging underneath my thigh.  Actually, let's rephrase that and take out the "little". YOWZA.

He rubs his thumb against my bottom lip and says in the sexiest, dreamiest voice "Actually, there's some right here." I dart my tongue out and let it touch his thumb lightly and I'm honestly  starting to shake all over which, from the feel of it, the nudger likes very much.

Well hello down there. I know we haven't been formally introduced but I've been an admirer of yours for a long time. Now we had a date set up for next week but I'm hoping that we're going to become warm, close, personal friends sometime in the very near future. Like in the next five minutes would be perfect. Or sooner.

Edward's eyes are completely glazed over and I have NEVER in all my years of knowing him EVER seen him look as amazing as he does right this second.

"Ahem."

Neither of us looks up at whoever has the goddamn nerve to be ahemming at a time like this. Fuck off Ahemmer. Go find the Wooer and have a drink with him. I'll buy.

"Edward!"

We both jump at the shrewish voice and there's Edward's "friend from school" who's glaring at me like she wants to rip every hair out of my head and then scratch my eyes out.

And of course she's a fucking blonde.


	4. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes?

Jesus H. Christ.

Wow, I can remember way, WAY back to when I first heard that.

It was from Edward of course; he was arguing with one of his friends about what the H stood for. I bossily announced that OBVIOUSLY the H stood for Jesus' middle name which was Harold. Duh. Edward had stared at me with that corner of his mouth twitching and asked me why I thought that and when I told him it was because of the prayer:  _ Our father who art in heaven, Harold be thy name _ he had laughed so hard he’d almost cried before hugging and agreeing with me. He has the best laugh. I've always loved it. It's my most favorite sound in the world...so far.

But Jesus Harold Christ THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.

After twelve years of waiting for his gorgeous, perfect mouth to be somewhere … anywhere, on me again, to be denied at the last minute by the freaking poor man's Girls Next Door is just UNBELIEVABLE. Yes, you heard me correctly; there is not one, not two, but THREE of them; the glaring Ahemmer and her two sidekicks.

Obviously I'm cosmically fucked. This  must be karmic retribution for being some kind of brunette supremacist in a past life, I swear. Or maybe Paris Hilton really  is the anti-Christ and all the times I've laughed at what a wonky-eyed blonde skank she is is coming back to bite me in the ass. You were awesome in House of Wax, Paris! Really!

He was going to kiss me. I'm sure of it. Pretty sure anyway.

It's like giving  a person who's been forced to eat tofu for twelve years a sniff of a nice piece of steak and then snatching it away just before they take a bite. Damn it. I want that fucking steak. I want it juicy and rare-my mouth is practically watering.

I should just  do it. Just lean in while he's still a little dazed and take a nibble.

Yup, I'm so gonna do it. I've decided. I'm grabbing that hair right where it curls in so adorably just behind his ears, pulling that beautiful face in and kissing those luscious lips off, consequences be damned. Ok fingers, get to grabbing. Annnnnytime you’re ready. Listen. The lips are warmed up and raring to go. Start walking. Seriously, it's now or never guys!

The fingers can't do it and neither can the rest of me. We suck.

I'm sorry Nicki, Christina, Beyonce and anyone else who has sung at me over the years demanding that I be a strong, powerful, sexually aggressive female. You tried but it just can't be this way. I need for him to want me as much as I want him, not me initiating some half drunk make-out session in a bar that he'd be sure to regret...if by some chance he went along with it in the first place.

I've waited this long-it HAS to come from him. I want for-real-24-fucking-carat-sparklingly-intense feelings. Ok, I'd take 18 carats … maybe even 14 but  that's as low as I'm going. HE has to take that first step. I'll happily run with it the rest of the way, hell, I'll carry him on my back if I have to but the first move has  _ got _ to be his.

Obviously that all goes out the window next week when I'm supposed to ensnare him in my metaphoric web and somehow lure him into letting me fuck him away via Operation F&F but since he won't know it's me and it's for a good cause that doesn't count. Would that hold up in a court of law if he presses charges do you think?

Back to the blonde Ahemmer. I hate her on sight.

And she's in pink. Of course she is. What's next? Is Bruiser going to hop out of her ugly bag and bite me on the ankle?

Wow. This is awkward. But if she thinks this ass is moving one millimeter just because she's shooting eye daggers at me then she's sadly mistaken.  Wearing head to toe Pepto Bismol pink kind of lessens the intimidation factor honey and I'm not budging until Edward asks me to. For some sick masochistic reason, I have to hear him say the words that choose her over me.

Even the nudger is retreating in horror. Farewell nudger, I barely knew ye. Come back again when you can stay longer … ..really, anytime. We'll leave the light on for you.

FUCK.

"Hey, Tanya!" Edward sounds pretty fucking chipper so I guess he's not planning on dumping her anytime soon and  at that my heart clutches itself and keels over. Tanya. Just perfect. What a stupid name. Except now I'm just remembering that my grandmother's middle name was actually Tanya. Sorry Grandma.

I am so going to hell.

"Um. Bella, can I get up?" His voice is  meltingly soft and low and now he's looking at me anxiously, his eyes searching mine. There's something else going on behind them that I can't read but unless it's "Letmegetridofthisbimbosoyoucanshowme _ exactly _ whatI'vebeenmissingalloftheseyears." then I don 't want to know about it.

I'm getting madder and more upset by the second. "I don't know Edward.  _ Can _ you?" Technicalities, my dear English teacher. Also, I look down at his lap meaningfully hoping  she  catches it and he clenches his jaw so I know he's getting annoyed. Tough.

Have I mentioned Edward's jaw? Holy bone structure, it's a thing of beauty. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten lost staring at it, tracing it with my eyes while imagining doing the same with my mouth from his ear down that delicious slope to his strong chin then across it and back up the other side. Yum. E.

Studying Edward's jaw line is my absolute favorite summer activity. Some like watching birds, some like watching sunsets, I like watching...let's call it jaw porn shall we? It is THAT damn good.

I could lay by the Cullen's pool all day every day and watch Edward swim but the best-the absolute best part is watching him stop.

Sunglasses are a required summer accessory-they make obsessive staring so much easier for the starer and so much less uncomfortable for the staree. The saving your vision from damaging UV rays part is just an added little bonus. 

He never uses a towel, just hops out of the pool and shakes the water out of his hair-usually onto me-making it all stand out around his head like a little lion's mane THEN he lets the water just run off of him and the drops from his hair always slide down through those damn sexy sideburns and drip off that long sweet curve right underneath. OR they run happily along  his entire jaw line before dripping off his chin. Damn lucky drops. I would gladly subject myself to Chinese water torture if that were the source of the dripping. Add in a  little summery stubble and ta-da! Jaw porn.

Just looking at it now in all its glory as it bulges from his irritated tooth grinding convinces me that God is  _ definitely _ a woman. And that she hates me.

Before the tension can get any thicker if that's even possible  _ my  _ two loyal sidekicks come charging up with Jasper and Emmett in tow and Edward takes advantage of the momentary chaos to slide me off of his lap as he stands up. Jerk.

Immediately Rosalie and Alice are flanking me like my own little personal wing women ready to rumble and I feel the sudden ridiculous urge to start singing "When you're brunette, you're brunette all the way!" like we're starring in a new version of freaking West Side Story sponsored by Clairol. Well, Rosalie's not really a brunette but she sure as hell is nothing like these bleached bimbos.

This is SO fucking uncomfortable but _ finally _ Edward clears his throat and says all formally "Tanya, Kate, Carmen, this is my little sister Alice, her friend Rosalie and-" he pauses and I suddenly know what's coming.

Oh no. Nonononono. Don't say it Edward. I want to put my hands over my ears and start LALALALALALALAing at the top of my lungs. Put your head between your legs little heart and brace yourself for impact.

"-my other little sister, Bella."

FUCKER.

And just like that I'm Baby Bella again relegated back to the kids  table with the paper plates and apple juice and chicken fingers while Edward and Tanya clink their crystal wine glasses together and eat their goddamn steak and ignore me.

"I thought you only had one sister." bitch face says without even so much as acknowledging any of us and I hate that she knows this about him.

"Oh. Ah, well...Bella's just like...kind of...kind of like a little sister to me...no...um..what I mean is...I mean um, she's been Alice's best friend..and...and my friend...since we were kids so ...you know..." He's uncharacteristically stuttering as he looks back and forth between us but I can barely see him through my haze of fury.

Prick. Fucking bastard. I am so mad and heartbroken I feel like screaming. It's on the tip of  my tongue to yell that if  that  is how he reacts when his LITTLE SISTER sits on his lap then he either needs a good psychiatrist, a move to Alabama (j/k Alabamians) or a spot booked on Jerry Springer but I don't. I just can't hurt him or embarrass him even though right now I want to. Really fucking badly.

Even when I'm so mad I could punch him I love him. Even when he's shattered my heart I want him. I have serious issues that will probably require years of intensive therapy. I'll hold off until Rosalie has her own  practice and maybe she'll give me a volume discount.

I stare at Edward and I'm sure he can read my face like a book because he immediately looks stricken.

"Oh." SHE looks at me again but this time there's a smugness on her face that my hand is itching to slap right off. "We're going to get a drink." She gives us all one last dismissive glance before turning and OUCH Rosalie's fingernails digging into my arm are just about drawing blood right about now as Emmett and Jasper say their goodbyes and wander towards the bar with the two other faux bunnies. "Coming Edward?"

"Yeah, I'll be right there." And there they are. The words I've been waiting for. His choice. I'm glad I'm all cried out because this hurts like HELL.

She sweeps away and he's staring at me again but it's almost unbearable. "Can I talk to  you for a minute?" He glances at my girls who are both giving him the stink eye. "Privately?"

Is he trying to kill me? Rosalie painfully squeezes my arm and I feel Alice's fingers on mine and I take a deep breath. "No, actually Edward you can't. Go to your date and don't worry about your  _ little sister _ . I'm just fine." Those are possibly THE hardest words I've ever had to say. Actually, scratch the "possibly". He looks horribly wounded but I try not to let myself think about it.

"Bella-"

"Enjoy the rest of your night Edward." I have to turn away before I cave. I don't want his apologies for giving me the wrong idea and for letting our harmless flirting get out of hand. Obviously it was meaningless and just hearing him say it out loud would make it so much worse. I'm already calming down and forgiving him. I hate that I put that look on his face and want to see him smile at me again. I'm such a sap and also, as we've already established, absolutely pathetic.

I close my eyes and prepare to be pounced on by Alice and Rose but then his soft voice is back in my ear and for the LOVE OF GOD can he please just go already and stop torturing me with that voice and face and just let me wallow around in my self-pity semi-privately for a while? Is that too much to ask?

"Here." He's holding out the notebook that we've all forgotten about and THANK GOD Rosalie had been able to close it earlier because he's looking down at it instead of at me and I think I would move to Guam  with no forwarding address if he ever actually saw what was in it.

"Thanks." I take it and he walks away without another word and I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to stop him. I can feel the words burbling up but as I open my mouth Rosalie's nails dig into me again and yank me down into a chair. Goddamn those fucking nails, I'm going to be scarred for life! I'm totally cutting them off tonight while she sleeps. You watch.

They are all over me instantly wanting to know every little detail of what happened. I absolutely cannot relive even one second until I've had a drink..or five and like an obscenely hot angel that has heard my prayers and taken pity on me, Jasper is back with badly needed refreshments for everyone.

How does Alice do it?

I swear she must have a secret supply of magical pixie dust because as soon as she is interested in someone they are immediately and completely under her spell. Why can't I have that power? WHY?

Jasper sits right back down next to Alice and is rewarded with her dazzling smile which she immediately wipes off her face in solidarity when she looks at me but she is GLOWING. Sigh.

Rosalie asks the question of the hour. "So Jasper...ditching your date for Alice?" She says it jokingly but we all lean in eagerly to hear his answer.

He laughs and God he is SO cute. He and Alice would have the sweetest little pixie-rocker babies.

"I'm not on a date! We work with them and Edward's gone out a few times with Tanya so the rest of us just tagged along..." They all glance at me and I try to look anywhere but at their six pitying eyes. Of course I wind up looking right at Edward and catch him staring at me but we both quickly look away. I suddenly feel the need to escape and get some air or run screaming all the way home and hide in bed for a week. Either one will work right about now.

Rosalie either A.)senses my panic B.) can't stand not knowing what went on during my little lap time with Edward for another second or C.) wants to give Alice some privacy with  Jasper because she stands up pulling me with her. My money's on B. She's a total Nosetta Stone.

"We're going to put this in the car." She waves the notebook and Jasper looks confused as to where it suddenly came from (trust me Jasper, you don't want to know) and Alice gives us  a look wondering if she should come but I shake my head slightly. It's probably better if she's not there when I spill the details-it might be a little awkward. Aw. Awkward ends just like Edward. I just realized that. Ok. Moving on.

We make our way towards the door and Rosalie whispers "Emmett and Edward were both looking. You know they wish they were with us instead!" And no, actually I don't know that. Emmett probably does, Rosalie is drop dead gorgeous and  he's  not actually on a date. There's only one dater among them. One bronze haired, beautiful dater. Fucking figures.

We hurry to her car and it is FREEZING. What was I thinking with this outfit? I honest to God think that my nipples are freezing off. That would be the perfect topper to this lovely evening-frostbitten nipples. No even better. Edward and Alice's dad Carlisle will be the attending physician when I'm rushed to the hospital. THAT would be perfect. And I can actually see it happening.

I quickly and through chattering teeth tell Rosalie the  whole sugary, spicy and especially nudger-nicey tale and the look on her face is priceless. "That dick!"

"I know! It's huge. Honestly." She gives me a disgusted look and I realize that we're talking about two different dicks. Oops.

"So do you want to leave? This must suck for you..."

I think about it and just like always, I have to stay. I  have to watch every damn torturous second of Edward with someone who's not me.

"No. We're staying." No matter what happens there's always the mysterious plan for next week to look forward to. I think.

"Good girl. Don't let that bitch chase you away. But  if  we're staying there's no way I'm letting you sit there and watch him all night with those big puppy dog eyes." She grins evilly and I'm suddenly scared. "We're going to have  _ fun  _ and trust me by the end of the night Edward will be fucking gagging for it."

Yay?


	5. Badass Bella

Well this is another fine fucking mess I've gotten myself into.

Why didn't I just take my little battered heart by the hand, flip Edward the bird and go the hell home when I had the chance? Rosalie is practically rubbing her hands together with glee and the maniacal gleam in her eyes as she formulates her plan for revenge is scaring the crap out of me.

I swear to God she reminds me of the Grinch with that ever widening evil grin. She has an idea. An awful idea. I'm sure it's going to be a wonderful, awful idea. I totally know how Max felt as I almost start backing away wanting to run and hide shivering in my little dog house. Edward Lou Who is so in for it.

I feel the need to issue a disclaimer. "I'm reserving the right to opt out if this disintegrates into anything requiring clothing removal or faux lesbianism." I honestly wouldn't put anything past Rosalie when she has that look on her face.

"Don't be silly. It's not like we're going to make out or anything...probably. We're going to dance and have fun. You are going to flirt your ass off and let Edward KNOW what he's missing. And everytime you start feeling all schmoopy just think of that chick with him and how he told her he thinks of you as just his little sister and get mad … .and even.

She's right. Just thinking about that smug-ass puss and Edward's backpedaling stuttering wipes every bit of nervousness away replacing it with shimmering, undiluted anger. What's that old saying? Hell hath no fury like a woman who had a lovely erection pressed up against her but was then called the erection owners sister by same said owner? It's something like that anyway.

"Let's go girlfriend!" Rosalie gives me a smack on the ass and grabs my hand pulling me forcefully down the sidewalk. I'm so the Lilo to her SamRon.

"Now don't even look at him." I open my mouth to say that that's like saying don't breathe but she continues. "I'll let you know what he's up to. Don't worry. You just concentrate on being sexy. And not tripping." Ok Sexy Non-Tripping Bella! You're up!

We head back to our table and Rosalie won't let go of my hand and  swings our arms happily. Oh God. Here we go.

THANKFULLY she allows a few drinks first and we chat with Jasper and Alice about her big party next Friday.

The Cullens LOVE Halloween-their last name should be Adams with HOW MUCH every single one of them gets into it.

Edward would usually start off slow in September torturing me with fake spiders and bugs but by mid-October be in full-on Michael Meyers mode, jumping out of closets, calling from a friends house asking if we checked the children, looking in the windows where we'd be sure to see him with some God-awful mask on almost scaring me into hysterics. I've spent most of my Octobers a nervous wreck peeking around corners and this crap tonight isn't helping my Octobophobia AT ALL. Next year I'm going on vacation for the entire 31 days. Maybe a nice zen retreat where I can ohm the month away and not think about the maniacs and douchebags I associate with.

Can I tell you Edward's costume of choice? A vampire. Almost every Halloween a damn vampire. Of course over the years it's morphed from the traditional Grandpa Munster style with the plastic teeth to the more scary but much hotter Lestat to last years Bill Comptonesqe version where you couldn't even see the fangs until he smiled and then you just about wanted to die bloodlessly with the amount of sexy being broughten. I can't wait to see him this year. Except now watch. Because I said that he'll be dressed as a fucking hotdog and Tanya will be the bun. Ohm.

Esme has the house decorated from top to bottom and Alice has been planning for weeks. Jasper already knows about it and he and Emmett had been planning on coming anyway with Edward so I'm just SURE Tanya's been invited as well. Is the party where Operation F&F supposedly happens? I hope they're selling  real working broomsticks and magic wands at the Halloween store this year because I can't imagine how else I'm going to steal the golden fucking Eggward right out from under her nose otherwise. Accio Eggward? I don't want to think about it.

After a little while we're all starting to feel pretty damn good so while Alice and Jasper start having an in depth conversation on the music she should have at the party and Rosalie is giving me a hushed play by play of what's going on in Edward's Blondeworld I keep my eyes occupied by texting Charlie to let him know that I'll be staying at Alice's tonight.

"Looking...still looking...ok not looking...but now she is...damn Emmett has a fucking body on him...oh...ok looking...oooh holy shit she just grabbed his face and  don't you DARE  look up!"

WHAT? She better not be grabbing that face! In the immortal words of The Dude, this aggression will not stand, man! I don't care if she is his special lady friend. I'm ready to jump out of my skin AND my seat but Rosalie threatens me silently with her talons and I try to calm myself. AND I realize that I just texted Charlie "Staying at Aliiiiiiiiiiiiii" because I was squeezing the phone so tightly. Great. He'll probably send a squad car over to investigate.

"They just went to dance." Oh no. I can't watch. This is where I draw the line on my self-imposed torment. Rosalie sees the look on my face and rolls her eyes. "I mean the  girls.  Come on! It's showtime!" What the hell? Is she planning a dance off? I am so out of here if she starts clearing the floor.

Alice and Jasper barely acknowledge us as we leave the table with Rosalie resuming our hand swinging antics. Woah. I'm pretty tipsy right about now I'm not gonna lie. This could get ugly.

I have to glance at Edward. I can't help it . He's leaning back on his elbows on the bar next to Emmett flat out watching me and when our eyes meet this time neither of us look away. His cheeks are flushed and he looks so goddamn beautiful I want to run over to him and climb him like a tree but then I remember his assholishness so I just scowl instead. I'll show HIM. I hope.

"I SAID don't look!" Rosalie hisses. "Will you just pretend like he doesn't exist for once!"

Rose positions us antangonizingly close to the blonde brigade and within minutes they're talking shit about us and NOT discretely either. We just laugh and ignore them being the bigger, drunker people that we are and obviously Tanya doesn't care for our dancing which...well...le't's just say if Rose had a penis I think I'd either be pregnant right about now or suing her for assault. I swear to God I'm going to have some kind of friction burn back there!

The rest of the crowd seems to love it though and suddenly we're surrounded like two little sexy seals swimming in a testosterone filled sea of salivating sharks. Boys are so ridiculous.

And yes that includes my beautiful, unattainable boy because Rosalie finally gives me permission to look through her cackling and his mouth is hanging open and his eyes are bulging and hopefully that's not the only part of him with that problem. Ha! I'm back on the board! Bite me Edward. Dick.

Oh God I would actually love it if Edward bit me. Just a nibble. His teeth are so perfect. He could wear the fangs if he wants...even the Grandpa Munster ones.

The feeding frenzy is getting a little crazy and then I realize that I know one of the fools from high school. He was only  minoring in asshattery then but by the looks of it is now working on his PhD. Mike Newton. That's his name. Graduating Magna Cum Laude with a Doctorate in Douchery. Guaranteed he's the Wooer.

Now Rosalie doesn't know his assy history since she didn't go to school with us. Alice and I met her on our first day of college and we've all been BFFs ever since. Some things are just meant to be you know? ANYWAY when Tanya infuriatingly slinks back to Edward, Rose drags ME away to join Mike's giant table of tools.  Actually a few of the guys are pretty nice and according to Rose Edward can't stop looking over and he doesn't look happy AT ALL so it's worth it.

After a little while I can't take it anymore and just HAVE to see him.

I peek over and Edward  seems engrossed in conversation and isn't paying our rowdy group even the slightest bit of attention. However, he IS running his hand through his hair constantly which he does a lot when he's nervous or annoyed. Whatever. He's probably discussing Proust with that wine  swilling witch and I'm sitting here doing shots with a bunch of  yabos analyzing in detail who we think is the next to get kicked off The Rock of Love Bus.

Oh God. Am immature and vapid and that's why Edward doesn't want me.

I make a vow to myself to become more mature and more interesting or at least start watching more mainstream reality shows. Must remember to TiVo American Idol or Dancing with the … Biggest Runway Loser Chef Whatevers.

"Bella?"

I turn to the kind of familiar voice and it's Jacob. Yes THAT Jacob of the wet doggie smell and unreturned phone calls.

And the hits just KEEP COMING tonight I swear to God.

"Hey! Jacob! How are you!" I try for happy but wind up sounding manic with my overcompensating. He probably came over to tell me off.

He  didn't though of course because he's a really nice guy and we just talk easily about random crap for a few minutes but here comes the word vomit because for some unexplainable reason I feel the need to make excuses for why I never called him back instead of just letting it go already.

"Um..I just wanted to explain why I didn't return your calls..I was going through...something." I have no idea where I'm going with this but thankfully Rosalie butts in.

"Bella suffers from OED. It's serious but she's getting treatment." she intones very solemnly.

Did I say I was thankful? I'm going to kill her drunk ass.

"Oh..." Jacob looks at me but before he can ask and Rosalie can answer that it stands for Obsessive Edward Disorder I drag him away to dance. Murder is too good for her. I'm sneaking into her house tomorrow and sawing the fucking heels off all of her shoes and I am NOT kidding.

I guess he's encouraged by my sudden boldness and not put off by my mysterious affliction because he starts talking about how we should go out again sometime and I just kind of smile and nod and try not look at Rosalie who is now acting out some kind of bizarre charade of holding her nose and making a little panting doggie face while hopping around. That's it. She's flagged. The table of idiots have no idea what she's doing either but that doesn't stop them from laughing hysterically. This is the crazy train and Rosalie is the fucking engineer and oooh look! It's my stop.

I tell Jacob I'm going to the ladies room and leave Rosalie entertaining her band of admirers to a Katy Perry remix before she wants to act out "I Kissed A Girl" but I really just need a breather from every single one of them.

I consider hiding out in the bathroom again but now there's a line so I just stand staring out of the window and debate whether or not to make a break for it and look for a cab.

I feel a warm body really invading my back's personal space and hear "Having fun?" right in my ear making me shiver involuntarily.

Edward. And he's seething. I can tell by his voice.

I don't turn because he's so close that if I did we would be nose to nose. Wait. Why aren't I turning around again?

I stare straight ahead and I can feel him almost pressing into me and fight back the overwhelming need to arch back against him like a kitten. "Absolutely. Are you?" Please say no. Please say you're having a miserable horrible time like I am and that we should get out of here right this second.

"Yeah, great. We need to talk. Now." Fuck.

"So talk. You have one minute." Ooh. Well hello Bitchy Bella! She's like the black sheep sister of Baby, Sexy and Vixen. Damn, my personalities are starting to sound like Santa's reindeer … or the Harajuku Girls. And this shit really IS bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

"That's some show you put on back there."

"I told you I know how to dance now. It's not  my fault you didn't believe me."

"Uh-huh. Do you really think it's a good idea getting so many guys hanging all over you-"

Oh HELL no. Bitchy cuts that shit-bananas or not-RIGHT off.

I whirl around and he actually takes a step back at the fury I can feel on my face. How fucking dare he.

"That is none of your damn business and why do you even care, Edward? You're the only one who can't seem to accept the fact that I'm all grown up! I'm a big girl and you don't need to worry about me!"

"That's not it-"

"Save whatever IT is then. I can take care of myself." Oh yeah. I have my hands on my hips and the head thing going on-I am THAT mad. Go Bella! Go Bella!

"It looks like any one of those assholes would just  love to take care of you."

"What, have you gotten a promotion from my brother to my father now? Thanks for the concern  _ dad _ ."

He licks his bottom lip and then bites it and as mad as I am it's like a snake charmer calming a cobra and I almost sway watching those teeth and that tongue.

"I wanted to talk to you about that too." His voice is lower and just thinking about that little incident earlier infuriates me all over again and I snap right out of my snakey stupor ready to strike.

"You know what Edward? Fuck off. I know we were just playing around and got a little carried away and you didn't want your girlfriend peeing her pink panties about it. Whatever. It doesn't matter. I. Get. It. Loud and clear." I am a TOTAL bad-ass and will be trading in my truck for a Harley tomorrow.

Now he looks as furious as I feel.

"Are you fucking serious? Is that what you think?" His green eyes are narrowed dangerously and that sex hair is sticking out everywhere while still looking unbelievably perfect but it's obvious he's been yanking on it. I want that job.

"Um yes and yes? Actually that's what I  know ."

"You. don't. know.  _anything_! " He's enunciating each word through gritted teeth and I don't know if I've ever seen him this angry...or this incredibly sexy. ARGH. I'm going to make Rosalie rich one day.

"Then enlighten me, oh wise one! What exactly don't I know?"

We're shouting right in each other's faces and I'm almost trembling with rage and so is he. We're so close I can feel his hot breath panting angrily against my lips and I'm not only completely filled with fury but now lust is bounding around throwing punches trying to get in on the action. Sit the hell down lust!

Actually, it's not exactly an unpleasant battle. In this corner we have Anger in the pink trunks who came out strong and was the odds on favorite to win but Lust has the home town crowd on its side and is looking like a more formidable opponent by the second. Place your bets!

My money's on lust all the way.

Edward's eyes drop to  my mouth before darting back up again and I think Lust is  definitely about to score a knockout punch but oh CHRIST. Here comes Jacob AND not far behind him Tanfuckingya. Fuck, FUck, FUCK. Bitchy, Vixen, Sexy, Baby, hurry up and come and save me. Pretty please?

"Everything ok Bella?" Jacob wants to know and now he and Edward are glaring at each other and this situation is totally getting out of hand.

"Yeah, fine." I can't look away from Edward's face but when Tanya's pink tipped fingers wrap around his bicep Anger gets a really good shot in and Lust goes down for the count and this bitch is about to join it if she doesn't get her hands off of him. Now they're BOTH glaring at me and I've just about HAD IT with this bullshit.

"Jacob, this is my  _big_ _brother_ Edward." Tanya's not getting an introduction, not from me unless it's "and this is the dicksucker whorebag." I got that little gem from the first season of The Rock of Love and it's served me well on more than one occasion which is something that you probably can't say about anything you'd hear on American Idol so there.

Poor Jacob. He looks totally confused and Edward looks like he's going to have an aneurysm and I feel like yelling BOOYAH ASSHOLE right in his face.

This lasts for about .5 seconds and then all I want is to send Jacob on his merry way and force him to take Bitch-Face Barbie with him while I kiss every inch of Edward until he's not mad or upset anymore and could someone please call the doctor because as Katy was just mentioning I definitely  have a raging fucking case of a love bipolar.

I grab Jacob's hand and give them a sarcastic "Byeee!" and Edward a last filthy look before stomping away.

Well that went well.

There must be a full moon with all the fucking drama going on and when it rains it pours and Hurricane Edward is wreaking emotional havoc and leaving me hanging onto the bathtub by my fingertips in his wake. I really don't think I can take much more of this tonight.

Jacob's friends are leaving and he promises to call me tomorrow and I promise to actually answer which is a lie but since I already have my boarding pass for the Hell Express it doesn't matter anyway. He kisses my hand before he goes which is very sweet and I wish I could just like him already but he's not Edward so I know there's no possible hope of that happening. Actually who knows-maybe after next week I'll be cured of my OED although I highly doubt it. It's terminal.

Mike and his friends try talking us into going with them and are pretty persistent about it but Alice comes over to retrieve us and we escape by telling them we're going to the bathroom and will be right back. Suckers.

The girls and I head to the ladies‘ and I'm putting on some lip gloss in the mirror and listening to Rose gigglingly tell Alice from one stall to the other the details of our time away from her when SHE walks in.

The girls still babble on unaware of her evil presence and I start silently praying to anyone, anywhere that will listen that they don't start talking about Operation F&F right about now. I stare at Tanya's reflection as I finish my glossing and she stares right back at me and folds her arms while she waits for a stall but why do I have the feeling that her reasons for coming in here have nothing to do with bodily functions?

She takes her phone out and makes a big production out of dialing and swishing her hair around while putting it to her ear. What a fucking drama queen.

She yaps for a minute to who from the sound of it I guess is her roommate and now Alice and Rose are absolutely silent and I wish they'd get the hell out here already because I just  KNOW something bad is coming and I'm not going to be responsible for my actions because I'm down to my last nerve and this bimbo is playing it like a viofuckinglin.

"Don't wait up for me." now she looks right up smilingly at my reflection "I'm staying at Eddie's tonight.".

Oh. No. She. DIDN'T.

Rosalie and Alice both gasp and fling the doors open in unison which would normally be pretty freaking funny like something out of a cheesy music video but right now all I can see is Tanya's fur flying all over the place as I rip every single goddamn strand of it out of her head.

Yes, my poor heart is waving the white flag as it curls up in the fetal position against the onslaught of images conjured from the just announced, highly dreaded Continuing Adventures of Tanward but almost,  almost as bad is the "Eddie". Eddie? EDDIE?

_ Eddie _ is that kid  from the Munsters.  _ Eddie _ is that smart ass little dog from Frasier.  _ Eddie _ is Edward's beloved Eddie "Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!" Murphy. Seriously. He can quote Raw word for word.

_ Eddie _ is NOT my beautiful Edward and Tanya is GOING DOWN for this one.

Rose and Alice come tearing over and Tanya quickly sashays into Alice's  vacated stall before I can move but if she thinks that's stopping me she's going to be pretty fucking surprised when I yank her out by her feet but Alice and Rose each grab one of my arms and pull me right out the door. HEY!

I start wiggling against them  but they both are yelling at me in hushed voices that she's not worth it blahbleebleeblah and I realize that they're right. Sort of. Charlie probably wouldn't take very kindly to being called out for a fight involving his daughter so I concentrate on that  horrifying image as I try and calm myself. Alice looks like she still doesn't trust me to behave so she shooes me out the front door to get a cab while she and Rosalie go and gather up our stuff and probably confer on the state of my sanity...and say good night to Jasper and Emmett I'm sure. Ugh.

There are a ton of happy souls waiting for rides but of course because I'm cursed I wind up waiting right next to Mike D-Bag Newton who immediately tries to get me to agree to come with them. I can't even be bothered to answer him in my current state of mind so he starts pulling on my arm to get my attention and then more insistently as they all start piling into their cab.

I try to shake him off but he's slowly dragging me forward and isn't listening even one little bit to my pissed off protests and now I really start yanking against him but he's not letting go and it looks like I really am going to be in some kind of fight tonight but instead of ripping Tanya's hair out I'm going to be kicking Mike Newton right in the balls. Well at least maybe Charlie won't be alerted to this one and anyway it's self-defense-I'm going to have bruises from this freak!

"Take your fucking hands off of her."

Mike stops pulling and I turn and there's Edward, his expression furious.

"Who are you, her father? Fuck off buddy." Hey! This asshole is stealing my lines! I'm the only one allowed to say that to Edward!

"Now." Edward actually looks scarily intimidating in an insanely hot way and Mike lets me go.

"Fine. Whatever. She's just  a cocktease anyway." And then he adds to me "Little bitch."

I open my mouth to begin a tirade that begins with "Mo-"

" _Motherfucker_!" I hear Edward snarl and there's a WHAP! and then Mike is leaning over with blood dripping from his nose swearing his head off and he must have failed the Cursing Course at D-Bag U. because he doesn't even call us anything original before shoving himself into the Taxi of Tools and FINALLY leaving.

I look at Edward who's shaking his poor hand out a little and he looks at me and suddenly I'm 9 again and he's 11 and the wave of love and just naked emotion that washes over me in this instant is so overwhelming my knees actually start giving out. Instantly his arms are around me and I can't think of anything except how fucking good it feels.

We fit perfectly.

Seriously. It's like two puzzle pieces clicking together. He's like the yin to my yang, the chocolate to my peanut butter, the chunky to my monkey. My face fits right into his neck like it belongs there and I can hear his heart thumping away pretty quickly. He hasn't hugged me in a long time and never, NEVER like this.

He smells so sweet I want at that second to tell him everything I'm feeling, every single detail but I don't. I just can't bring myself to say the words. I'm  such a coward.

All I can hear is his little heart and even though we're on a crowded sidewalk surrounded by drunken idiots it's one of the most intimate moments of my life. I'm not letting him go. The lap was NOTHING compared to this.

I snuggle in closer sighing against his neck in absolute contentment but then I give a few fake sniffles so he thinks I'm crying and won't try to peel me off just yet. He shifts and I panic that he's going to start disentangling himself but instead he just holds me tighter and buries his face in my hair and now I really AM crying and feel like a complete emotional basketcase. Which I totally am. BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME?

After a minute he looks up and I do too and he stares at me before wiping off my tears with his thumbs and I'm sure I look like a God-awful mess and if I'd known that I'd be crying half the night I would have used waterproof mascara but there's absolutely nothing I can do about that now except stare back at him and try to memorize every detail of this moment to add to my collection.

He looks over my shoulder and the corner of his mouth turns up so I look too and there are Alice and Rosalie clasped onto each other's arms staring at us with their mouths perfect O's of shock. Edward and I look back at each other and after a second just start laughing because really what else can you do at a time like this? Well, we could make out but after everything that's happened tonight I'll gladly take laughing as my consolation prize.

"Come on." Edward takes my hand and herds the girls towards his  car. They're silent but Rosalie manages to pinch me and I CANNOT WAIT to spill the details. Once we're safely in with me in the front and the girls in the back Edward says that he'll be right back and as soon as he closes my door we all start screeching at once and I'm sure dogs three blocks away start howling at the sound.

I've just finished my story when I see Edward coming back with Jasper, Emmett and FUCKING TANYA trailing behind him. Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick can she just get lost or runover or kidnapped already? GOD.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod" Rosalie is still chortling rolling around the backseat in ecstasy. "Best. Night. Ever. Cocktease! Motherfucker! BAM! Bitch goes down!"

Alice tries to climb over Rosalie but then gives up and just slumps onto  her in a hail of giggles. "Oooooh! Look at Tanya! Burn baby!"

We all look out the windows like we're watching monkeys at the zoo and Tanya is  waving her arms around yelling and Edward is running his hand through his hair in way that always makes me crazy  and looking aggravated. Then she grabs his hand and I turn back towards the front because I really REALLY don't want to see if he kisses her good-bye. I've definitely outgrown that shit. Pretty much.

The girls get quiet so I assume that he did and when he gets in a minute later I look away from him and out the window again not wanting to see his face right that second in case he looks all happy. Tanya is absolutely giving me the death glare and what can you do when the possible girlfriend of the person you are madly in love with hates you and you her? No I do NOT give her the finger! Did I not say I was working on my maturity? I blow her a kiss, waggling ALL my fingers at her and grinning as she turns purple. Buh-bye Tanya. For a little while he's all mine.

We're driving away and Rosalie rolls down the window and screams out "Hey Tanya! See You Next Tuesday!" and I'm sure I hear Emmett's loud booming laugh before she rolls it up, sliding to the floor with Alice cackling hysterically.

So much for maturity.

I cover my mouth but bubbles of giggles keep escaping from behind my fingers because not only are we drunk we're also obviously 15 years old. And boys. And if you don't know what See You Next Tuesday means just ask any 15 year old boy, he'll tell you.

I  look at Edward to gauge how mad he is at us. After a moment he looks out of the corner of his eye at me and one side of his mouth twitches and I know we're forgiven. Just like that.

It seems like all of the tension and anger of the whole night is gone and we're just Edward and Bella again just as we've always been which is at once both wonderful and frustrating. One step forward two steps back I guess.

Which is better than nothing.

Isn't it?


End file.
